The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder