@Just_Lee_: The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
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@cravin4: Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You're freaking out the customers. Me: Fake?
@ArfMeasures: TORTURER: I'm gonna water-board u ME: Hahaha, where u gonna find enough water TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher* ME: Oh shit