They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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waiting for halloween be like:
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
car not found
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
All generalizations are stupid.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?