Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
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What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My blood type is b hungry.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
This forever.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.