@Underchilde: The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
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@Social_Mime: Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
@hazelmotes1: My wife is all, "we love each other so much we finish each other's sentences," until it comes to a prison sentence.
@KeetPotato: cop: "can you point at which zebra it was" zebra: "ha good luck we all look the same" me: [points at zebra wearing my sunglasses] "that one"