I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
You Might Also Like
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
BETRAYAL
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT