@OneFunnyMummy: The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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@SteveSuckington: Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? B: What? You aren't doing anything M: sorry I'm super high. What was the question?
@RidiculousSheri: My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I'm the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
@kentgrossarth: Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.
@CMFC99: Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities