The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
dutch is not a serious language
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them