@OneFunnyMummy: The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
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@Laser_Cat: If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
@david8hughes: [wakes up & turns to wife] "I had a nightmare. You died." "Aw. It was just a-" "Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast."
@XplodingUnicorn: The 9 circles of hell: 9) limbo 8) lust 7) gluttony 6) greed 5) anger 4) heresy 3) violence 2) fraud 1) shopping on Black Friday