The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.