The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*