@NotthatAdamWest: The FBI's security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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@Terdoh: Me: And what do you do if I tell you I'm having a heart attack? Siri: I clear your browser history. Me: That's right darling.
@Iwriteforcats: [At Fancy Restaurant] Her: I'll have the oxtail topped with quail egg. Him: Gimme a steak. Her: *glares Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
@Steven37366100: Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else? Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now. Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt. Me: Exactly.
@NicestHippo: [getting fired from NASA] Is it because I kept saying "Technically we're already in space?"