The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
WHY would you be happy about this?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
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These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I was bored.
Ugh but profoundly
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.