The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
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“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
good work, everybody
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.