The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I’m not average. I’m mean.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts