The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
peak technology
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.