The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
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how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
another case of gang violins
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”