Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
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My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Omg 🤣
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.