@topaz_kell: The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.
@LittleMissZesty: If dogs have taught me anything, it's that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don't want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
@alanferrier: Who would have believed that the perfect Wikipedia photo caption could have been improved upon?