The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.