the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
You Might Also Like
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I think this cat is broken
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
hey, alexa
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.