The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
You Might Also Like
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room