The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
You Might Also Like
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
*puts words between two asterisks*
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.