The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry