The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.