The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond