I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
You Might Also Like
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Education is vital
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.