The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.