The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license