[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
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My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone