*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.