The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
guys I’m going home
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
The dark side of Canada
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny