@david8hughes: The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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@rockymomax: wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news? -the baby walked! wife: OMG where is he? -i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
@goldengateblond: I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
@That_Damn_Duck: One last time... It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot'! It’s that simple. Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: what the hell happened here? ME: i broke an egg [earlier] ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit