@david8hughes: The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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@peachesanscream: Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
@LackOfShame: "You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck." - my voicemail message
@Hormonella: Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
@jeannes_jargon: Facebook: Essential oils. Snapchat: I'm a bunny! Instagram: I ate a hamburger. Twitter: THIS COUNTRY IS BURNING TO THE GROUND.