The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”