The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no