3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!