the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?