the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
What about a To-Don’t List?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”