The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.