Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
How it started: How it’s going:
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Just how popey was the pope today?
I missed you with all my darts
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now