@weinerdog4life: The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
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@DecantAndPour: I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.
@NichollsTerence: I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you'll be seeing me on the 6 o'clock news.
@kevinseccia: When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
@dave_cactus: ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs. LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to— ME: Can you scratch my nose?