@weinerdog4life: The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
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@KalvinMacleod: I've got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
@jctwritesstuff: I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn't want her head cut off, maybe there should've been actual cake. ~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
@ConanOBrien: If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
@Sassafrantz: Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It's always "KILL" or "MURDER" or "YOU'RE OUT OF NUTELLA"