The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
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When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.