The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again