The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
You Might Also Like
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Weirdos gonna weird.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Danger is very dangerous
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit