The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
me
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.