The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
mmm onion ringos
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
True?
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.