The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
*pronounces fake like saké*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on