The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
That lamp looks PISSED.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I will never stop laughing at this
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.