I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
You Might Also Like
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.