[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
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A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Livid.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.