I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
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[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.