beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
me linking you to my twitter
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
My life coach traded me.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”