The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
what
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies