The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
You Might Also Like
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I wanna be friends with this person
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Good morning
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are