The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
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Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no