Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it