you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
BRO LMFAO
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey