Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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And they lived apathetically ever after.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
This forever.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.